FranKophone

No longer do I look forward To wearing my new birthday dress. Impeccably wrapped gifts no longer excite me. I do not cut cakes with numeric candles glowing on it. I ignore most messages, pings and tweets, That remind me of my birthday. With each passing festival I see new trends in the market. Playing with colors or fire is not "my thing" now. I wish no one comes home with a box of sweets in hand. I wish not to be wished at all. I loathe parties thrown by friends, Their birthdays and their weddings. Their house-warming and their baby-showers and their successes. Sipping a drink in hand and Thinking. Reminiscing about chances I had but did not take. Wondering about how lost I am. Where did I lose it ? At fifteen - when I was blissfully unaware ? Or at seventeen ? When I did not know how to do it. Or at twenty one ? When I failed to realize what exactly to do. Sadly I stopped counting after that.

At forty-nine, this could not have happened. It was a different matter if she had been eighteen or even twenty-nine. She could not believe it. Nobody would. But that grotesque touch lingered. She let that pass and got off the bus.Maybe scarred and scared for the rest of her life.

Why does it rain after midnight when the days are impossibly hot? Why does my pack of cigarettes disappear when I need it the most? Why does he torment me the most when I want to forget him? Why does it hurt so much when I am trying to heal? Why is it so unruly when things are under control? Why this craving when I have no unfulfilled wishes? Why is it so hard to be good again? Damn! Why is it so tough to live again?

Right before my very eyes, A storm gathers every day. Hell breaks loose, vultures feast, Little birds get trapped. I do nothing but walk away. Courage eludes me, fear numbs me. I try to save my skin, Yet the aftermath haunts me, Nags me, reminds me of The blatant display of cowardice. Nests break, hopes shatter. Before they pick themselves up, A new storm gathers.

              As a 10 year old, I was the “angry young girl”. I could get very angry and the trail of destruction that followed….. my erstwhile classmates loathed me for it. Otherwise I was pretty awesome :grins: A decade later things are not quite the same. Yes, I do get angry at times but the pattern has changed. Very few people can make me angry. I have a set of unwritten rules which when violated drive me crazily angry. ( I can smile genuinely when a stranger or not-so-known person criticizes me for the wrong reasons. Apparently, when I think so). And they always happen to be my closest pals. It takes me a long time to build up anguish. At an optimal point, I burst out at the slightest of provocation from the same person. I might not shout, yet I know silence is the greatest killer. Usually it takes me long to cool down. Sometimes I hold grudges for a long time. I find it tough to let it go. The ones I fall out with r...